May 10, 2013

At Least She Was Able to Cry. That's Progress.

"He appeared normal. He spoke and behaved like anyone else. The fact that he had no heart was very well concealed. Well, that's not entirely true. He did have one. It was just not in his possession at the moment. And this is where the story gets complicated. The woman who had the darn thing was blightely unaware of the fact. Well, that's not entirely true either. She knew that she'd left the relationship with more stuff than when she entered it, she just hadn't bothered to do a proper inventory. (Had she done so, she would have found several other hearts, as well as a few sets of balls.) Regardless, his dilemma remained the same. A woman had absconded with a vital organ and the gnawing emptyness he felt was a direct reflection of that vacancy. Well, that's not entirely true either. The gnawing thing had actually been with him since he was a child. He just liked to assign blame for the condition."


When she read these words at the end of a Big Bang Theory Episode, they made her cry. The writer was hurt. Lost love, maybe a lost dream of what he expected to be his "Ever After."

She cried because big chunks of her heart had also gone missing. They'd had been gone for some time. No one had taken them away. No one had taken any of her stuff. Just the vagaries of time that sometimes can affect the human condition. She had suffered an invisable loss.

Some small idiosyncrasy, some tiny change or blip in the chemical makeup that brings about a misfiring synapse or lack of uptake in that vital grey matter within the organ we call the brain. Sometimes big hunks just go missing. Like the ability to feel joy, true gratefulness, peace or faith.

She no longer even had the ability to fake these things for the sake of others. Except maybe for a short time with complete strangers. She didn't actually know why that was. Except, maybe, because these people didn't actually know her. These people just smiled back when she offered them a smile; and she didn't feel any of their judgement.

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May 5, 2013


Just tonight I've come to believe that I will be able to actually get rid of the clutter. I had to come to a place where I had to recognize that I had a problem with amassing too much stuff. I can barely stand to utter that other ugly word.

Years of buying too much of the same thing, with the fabulous ideas that the various parts could be put together to make great gifts or works of art. And who I would give it to.... I had to recognize the fact and how attached I had become to all this stuff.

I gave myself a lot of excuses as to why and how it had gotten so bad and what it all meant to me. However it had come to be, it had to be faced and dealt with. Recently I've been rolling slowly into the fix, but going through it all gets exhausting, especially after a lot of the clean sorted stuff got covered with drywall and construction dust. (That is nasty stuff!)

But from this day on, I vow it will go! One pile at a time, one corner or drawer or box at a time. From now on, I will try to remember to write my accomplishments down and keep moving till the worst is gone. Use it or love it. Excess is binding. You don't own your stuff. It owns you.

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May 4, 2013


She doesn't know how to react when she sees him turn into a completely different person in front of others. The joyful, happy, spiritual person he projects in front of the S. F. is completely different than the person he is at home. People are puzzled at her reaction, no doubt, and must see her as strange.

Help her accept. Help her love him even though his behavior feels so false. Let her be grateful, kind and loving and selfless. How he acts and behaves should have no affect on her. Let her be bigger and willing to bend. But pretending what isn't so is crazy making. Maybe if she understood, it could help her reconcile the dichotomy, and the personality shift wouldn't be so disturbing.

She asked herself if it was she that brought about his darker side when they were alone. Could her manner bring about such a change. Or was the act truly an act? And would he ever admit that his behavior was confusing.

She like to see that side of him move. She would she would like to see the happy joyful side when they were by themselves. She wouldn't feel so blindsided if he spoke in a humbly spiritual manner when they were together. It would help her no end.

Nevertheless, happiness must be self generated. Her job is not to rely on his behavior to affect her mood for the better, nor should she allow his bad moons to affect her conception of herself. If he doesn't do spiritual things with her, she must do them by herself . Her job is to love him and be kind to him, and take as good of care of him and support him as best as she can, with no expectation of reward. Because love and kindness and giving are ends in themselves. If she could be selfless, acknowledgement, though nice, would be unnecessary.

Returning to the old thought: Please give me a humble heart, a grateful heart, a giving, loving and selfless heart - Help me be my best self who shines the light of God on everyone i touch. Please God, give me a grateful heart. And please help me in my daily practice.

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