October 28, 2012

Lost and Searching

For a long time now, I've been having repetitive dreams about trying to find may way back home. These dreams used to come when I was feverish as a child. Now they've become an almost nightly thing, leaving me tired and anxious when i awake.

My meditations are also difficult these days. Actually, they have been difficult for a long time. Sometimes i wonder if I'll ever feel peace again. But even this desire is a desire of the little "self". My prayer to God to let me feel this peace again is self-serving. The more loving and giving prayer would rather be to move my mind and heart into a bigger place where I would desire simply to be of service with no expectation of any reward at all. Not even that good feeling i used to get.

I remember when I could easily put others in my heart, and as my heart was blessing them and wishing them peace, I could truly feel the connection as I was doing this practice.

When i shared the loss I was feeling when i could no longer feel that connection, I was told to do it anyway, some people never feel what I used to feel. I guess feeling that beautiful feeling of oneness was a gift, and maybe i will never quite feel that way again. Nevertheless this is my Spiritual Work and I must continue. I guess I was hooked on the "fruit" of the practice.

Maybe the test of my true intention is to practice this act of love is to do it without any expectation of getting anything back, even the good feeling I used to get. This must be what the word "practice" involves, going though the motions, step by step. Again and again and again. Maybe I'll never get there again. Maybe this is what i need to grow. I've heard that the trail just continues to get steeper as we move further up the path. Maybe that's the way it's suppose to be.

Wishing you peace.

Posted by Judi at October 28, 2012 10:41 PM | TrackBack
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