After a while she simply gave up trying to meditate in any kind of formal way. It just became too difficult. She no longer felt any sense of peace when she attempted to sit in daily practice. Her mind was too busy, filled with things to do - that never got done. She moved slower these days and ran out of steam long before most tasks were completed or even started.
Whenever she attempted to force her mind away from the overwhelm and the frustration caused by her limitations, unwelcome thoughts of what she had lost took their place. She no longer had even the smallest ability to quiet her mind. When she attempted to make the old connection, she found it impossible. Doubts and questions plagued her. It was as if even the sacred mantra failed her
She started to repeat an unanswered prayer to whatever or whoever was out there; "Please let me believe again! Please let me believe again. Please let me feel the oneness! Give me back my faith." To who or to what she was making these appeals was unknown to her. Since she could no longer feel any connection to the Divine All, she simply felt cut off. She had lost her way. Her path was now hidden from her. She had forgotten her mission.
If someone had asked her to describe her perception of the 'all and all' she would try to remember the words she used to use to describe what she once believed about the great God that was comprised of everything that is, but would do so unconvincingly.
She did meet with some success by calling to the part of herself that longed to give out. That part of her could say the mantra, envision gathering others in the light and blessing them with her thoughts and intentions. Nevertheless, she was a novice starting over again. Beginning anew. Maybe that's what our existence is after all. Moment by moment, instant after instant, we begin once more ~ again and again and again.
Posted by Judi at December 6, 2010 2:39 AM | TrackBack