July 29, 2007

Written Sometime in April

Attempting To Sit

For a long time it had been difficult.
Her mind was as busy as ever … as she sat on the sidelines watching the hubbub of activity take place around her. She felt left out … as the others moved ahead. She felt the old sting of envy … and felt unready to receive the Exalted One.

She offered to help in any way she was able, but realized that there was shallowness in the doing and that her heart was not truly engaged in the execution of the tasks laid out for her. She knew that her being was not truly immersed in the giving.

More strongly, she felt that old desire to please … the old hunger for praise and acceptance and inclusion. Her resolve was shaky.

She had lost the old rhythm of her days. Her way of measuring time had changed … as one day merged into the next until she was no longer sure whether it was Monday or Saturday. The days passed quickly, but due to incapacity and inactivity she was no longer able to go about her normal activities ... one day was much like the last, and not differentiated from the day before. She had to check the day of the week frequently.

She made many mistakes … and only caught them when she reread letters she had already sent. The realization brought about the blush of embarrassment. She cringed to think of how often she had missed the point.

She had always been tough on herself and liked to keep busy … always hoping that the busyness could make her ignore, or at least quiet the negative inner voice which had appeared once again, as it always had before whenever she was unsure. That unwanted old companion who was once again shouting, “You are not good enough!” That old struggle she had known since childhood was with her still.

She hadn’t even wanted to think about trying to sit in meditation. Her practice had been spotty … undisciplined … the old doubts and unanswered questions were close to the surface … and that made her feel guilty. She feared that she would never again fully regain the conviction that she was indeed traveling on the right path.

In the past she would work till exhaustion took over … and would finally fall asleep with a long list of things to do in the morning …but she could do less these days, and out of necessity, the list was far shorter ... as were her days … because she slept so late.

She was forgetting again the old admonishment to empty the trash which had accumulated during the day … every night … offering … the body, the mind, and the spirit … past, present and future … to The All and All. At least there was a quick nod of thank you for the day.

This day started out much the same as yesterday. Groggy, as usual, due to the meds taken the night before which allowed her to sleep. She woke to a house filled with the sound of hubbub, a crew of painters going about their jobs. Something felt different this morning. Maybe this was the day she would reacquire some of what she had lost.

Posted by Judi at July 29, 2007 12:38 PM | TrackBack
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