I got into bed last night and realized that once again i was about to retire without taking the time to meditate. If Pete hadn't already fallen asleep, i would have turned on the the tube to watch some mindless TV until my eyes finally closed.
Again, that 'Still Small Voice' reminded me to meditate.
The ego-mind fought it, the same way I seem to fight sleep.
I wanted to 'do something.
There's always so much to do.
I'm very inventive in finding things that 'need doing'.
Even though the hour was late,
I couldn't seem to lie still without the TV.
I'm thinking; This is insane! What's wrong with me?
I jumped out of bed, found a pad and pen, and wrote out these words:
I want to go inward but I keep finding things to do.
What am I afraid of?
These words made me want to laugh.
Then, I wanted to get up and post what I’d just written.
The small voice said
"NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU! Try! Try!"
I propped up some pillows, sat up,
and began the prayer we say to lead us into a meditative state.
My busy mind increased its chatter...
And, turned up the volume.
Flying outward
Here. There.
Things to do.
Guilt.
Self Doubt.
FEAR.
I kept trying;
determinedly repeating call.
Repeating prayers.
"May all beings be happy.
May all beings be peaceful.
May all beings be blissful."
"Thou art the Father.
Thou art the Mother.
Thou art Friend and Companion.
Lead us from the unreal to the Real.
Lead us from ignorance to Light..."
Trying to remember to breathe.
All the time I’m thinking;
This is so hard.
Why, after all these years, should it be this hard?
What's happened?
What's different?
Fear.
I'm unsettled!
But everyone's unsettled these days.
There's more.
I'm still not sure what it is.
I think I have to start again.
At the beginning...
Like a loving parent,
I have to keep reminding the child within that she is loved
...that she is worth loving.
The old lessons.
Start with Step One.
I love you because...
I know it all starts with the Self.
And, I know i can't do it alone.
I'm offering it.
I'll let you know how it goes.