March 30, 2004

DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. And, UP again.

I haven’t been writing much for a while. The truth is I have been in a funk. Couldn’t quite put my finger on it. My mind had been busy with vague dark thoughts. …Old worries, new concerns. Self doubts, guilt, and fear. …Almost a feeling of dread. Like something bad was going to happen. Something new. Something did. Was this a premonition? Or a self-fulfilling prophesy?

It has seemed as though a heavy cloud had covered the sun, preventing me from seeing clearly. On one level, I knew that it was unreal, and the ego was creating some drama for its entertainment. There have been some rather difficult experiences this year. But, I’ve been trying to look at the bright side, because I know that there always is a bright side …or at least some value in everything we experience.

I wondered if the Allegra I was taking for allergies was responsible. I’d had a mood change when taking another antihistamine at one time. I didn’t stop taking it because I wanted to breathe. And, I knew that this would pass. It always does.

Saturday night we went to a party. Pete drove. This is the first time we have gone out for something like this since he was hurt. Pete has been driving for a while. But, I haven’t been it the car with him at the wheel. I had been doing the driving close to home when we went out. I was a little scared because his back had been hurting him during the week. And, as I told you, I was having all kinds of worried thoughts.

We went to the party. It was fun. Pete is a good driver, even one handed. At the end of the evening, as I was walking over to say good bye to the grandchildren, I made a misstep. And tumbled down, hurting my good ankle.

Only one person saw me fall. She rushed over to help me up and to a chair. She made an ice pack and got me some water. Her name was Angelica. An angel. If anyone reads this who knows her, please tell her thanks. I appreciate her kindness.

I said no more good byes I was embarrassed and mad at my self for not being more careful. Mike helped me to the car. Pete drove home and got me my old crutches. I felt guilty. I am suppose to be helping him, not the other way around.

Sunday, I realized that it was not a momentary thing. The ankle was very swollen and it hurt like the dickens. I knew I needed to check it out. At Little Company of Mary Hospital, ice was applied, a doctor took a look, and an X-ray was taken. The technician gently took me to task for waiting till the next day to have it looked at. Sometime later, doctor gave me the news. He said nothing was broken, but I had torn some ligaments. He was hurried and I am sure he told me it would be good to put weight on it.

The ankle was wrapped in an ace bandage. I signed some papers and went home. It wasn’t until I was ready to go to sleep that I looked at what was written. The paper said “You have a sprained ankle. You have bruised or torn some ligaments. Keep your ankle elevated and apply ice for periods of 20 minutes through out the next 48 hours.” Another paper talked about a medicine which I had not been given. I was confused but was too sore not to do just that. And Pete started giving the orders.

It seemed better in the morning. So I got up and did some stuff. Not too worried. My ankle rebelled. Later, I called the doctor who knew me best for advice. She said what most people know as common sense. Get off my feet. Keep the ankle elevated. Ice it. Take it easy. OK. She said it could take a few weeks. Yuck.

OK. Accept it. Guilt! Why wasn’t I more careful? Selfish girl. I am suppose to be taking care of Pete! But I think he kind of likes being the one to help.

Late last night I got a call from the hospital. The radiologist reviewed my x-ray again. Apparently, there may be a break after all. It is inconclusive. But it doesn’t need casting. I should go to the doctor in a week to have it checked.

So, I am trying to stay off my feet. I am trying not to be mad at myself. That won’t help. I have been told there are no accidents. And, I worry that I created this to bring the focus back to me.

I feel better now. It is amazing how someone's kindness lifts the spirits. Today a Spiritual Sister called. She asked how I was. We talked for a long time. She reminded me not to assume. All it takes sometimes is an understanding heart. How nice to know that they are there.

Posted by Judi at March 30, 2004 9:29 PM | TrackBack

oh no! i'm so sorry you hurt your good ankle. i hope you're up and around soon!


Posted by: heidi at March 31, 2004 11:42 AM

Thanks. Only this afternoon the fog which was covering my mind was cleared somewhat. I finally called Dr Primary who said immediately that since the X-ray were not conclusive, I need to have more taken. And,if they are not conclusive, I need an MRI.

So, tomorrow we will pick up copies of the X-rays to have them compared with new ones which will be taken. Monday, I see my Orthopedist. The one armed man will drive.

i know we may laugh at this episode one day, and believe there must be value in this too, but I'm not a happy camper these days. My balance is off and I'm starting to hurt in lots of other places.

This too will pass ... this too will pass....

Posted by: Mom at March 31, 2004 7:58 PM

it will take time to heal. you must give it time. you will be fine. just follow the doctors instructions. torn ligaments aren't easy to deal with. both my ankles have been the benefactor of these tears. anyway, hope you get better soon.

Posted by: Martin at April 2, 2004 2:33 PM

Hello there. I will let Angelica know how you are doing. I am so sorry about what happened to you. We had no idea. We found your broken glasses the day after and were concerned. I called Mike but had to leave a message. I am glad to finally find out what really happened. I hope you both you and Pete get better soon.


Posted by: Monique Celeste at April 11, 2004 9:54 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?