My mother was a good woman. A good wife & daughter .... A giving sister and a treasured friend. I can see now that she was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by responsibility and too much on her plate. She wanted much and had been disappointed.
She yelled ... she unloaded. We didn’t understand. We were children and felt the sting of her words and the lash of her anger. We didn't realize that she was tired.
We loved her and were loved in return. Blind, we didn't see it. Our mother didn’t speak of her love in words. She demonstrated it by her deeds.
Both wounded and spoiled, I had no understanding of her burden nor could I see her true nature. I admired her, but was often embarrassed. I respected her, but wanted her to be different. I wanted her to love me and didn’t realize that she already did.
I wanted her to see me, but my own vision was clouded.
I wanted her acceptance and I think she wished for my understanding.
My mother didn’t seem to know how to control the anger & the rage which boiled within her. But, maybe she exerted great strength just to hold it down. She struggled with life. She fought a good fight. And at the end, started to put down her burden and accept what was offered.
My mother was smart and talented. It seemed that she could do anything. She was informed and interested, neither bored nor boring. She tried new things, her mind always open to new ideas. She was generous and her laughter was like music. This complex woman exhibited joy as well as the darker emotions.
The Fire of Life shimmered within her, and people were drawn to the Flame. But sometimes we were burned and lived with the scars of the burning. We were formed by her moods and our lack of perception.
Only now can I recognize the love for what it was … and remember multitude examples of her loving kindness. She showed her devotion in many ways. But only now does the truth unfold before my eyes. I can look back and see the ‘happy childhood”.
I wish I had known and had been more aware.
I might have held the experience differently.
It is clearer now and I know Who to thank for restoring my sight. Thank You!
Posted by Judi at December 14, 2003 1:10 PM | TrackBack