Ok. Today, I had an appointment with an Otolaryngologist (an ear, nose and throat doctor). He was nice. I babbled like I usually do when I am nervous. I am always nervous when I see a new doctor.
At these times, the rapidity of my speech grows. I feel unsure. I never quite know how much information to offer. What is important to mention, and what is not. I usually talk too much.
After I begin to feel comfortable with a physician, I start to feel more like an adult, rather than a scared thirteen year old.
Many old fears reappear when a new symptom arises which does not go away. I think I know what I am afraid of.
I am afraid of being told that nothing could be found, and that I am somehow manufacturing the symptom out of my imagination. I am afraid that there is something wrong which will be misdiagnosed or missed until it gets way worse. I am afraid that in order to find out the cause, some painful, extremely uncomfortable or disgusting procedure will have to be performed to properly discover the cause. I am afraid that I am crazy. Or, that it is something really BAD.
All these fears surface whenever I face a new health challenge. However, once the cause is found and treatment options are explained, I generally settle into a state of acceptance and find ways to cope.
I often experience strong feelings of self doubt when I am hurting or feeling ill. I wonder how I might be creating the situation. I wonder if it is all psychosomatic. That little negative voice tells me that if I were just more spiritually evolved, I wouldn't go through these kinds of experiences. That little demon tells me that if I just did something different or thought differently, this wouldn't be happening. Old feelings of guilt come up.
Nearly all of these fears are based on real happenings. I have had conditions misdiagnosed or dismissed when doctors were unable to find the cause. And doctors, who I was sure, just thought I making a big deal over something very small. Sometimes, I have waited too long and let things get out of hand.
I am embarrassed to admit that I feel a sense of relief when a doctor can explain what is wrong. When I am told that it is something that will get better with treatment, and not a fiction made up by a needy mind to get some attention. Or, even something that I may have to live with, but that it is real.
This goes back to a flawed sense of self. A distrust of my own perception. But, I do the best I can.
And, I have learned a thing or two along the way. Some sympathy has developed for others as they go into similar valleys of doubt. I have come to really appreciate those doctors who do their best to look past my personality and listen. I have realized how very blessed I am to get medical treatment at all.
But, most of all, I have realized that there is a true reality that passes beyond the appearance. "There is no sickness in the soul."
Oh, and yes, the doctor I saw today has ordered test that I fear may be icky. He said he doesn't think he will find anything awful. When I asked what he thinks it is, he says it may just be some swelling caused by a previous infection. But just to make sure, I am going to have to drink some awful stuff and have an x-ray of my neck.
I was hoping he would take a look and just say: "Oh I see it, and I can fix it right now." Darn!